Struggling...

Sometimes you find yourself in a tough situation and you just don't know what the best thing to do is.  That is, obviously, where I find myself.

I have my family that I have to look out for, care for, watch over and pray for.  And I have Ben, too.  Many tell me that I was a fool for taking him in, a fool for letting him stay so long and a fool for accepting him as family.  And in some ways, I agree.  But in most ways, I disagree.  Our experiences are what make us stronger, struggles make us into better people, learning empathy is mandatory for a Christ like life.

It appears that Ben didn't learn much from living with us.  Definitely not empathy.  But he did teach us a lot, which I am grateful for.  The kids have said, "If I start to act like Ben, hit me and tell me, and I'll stop!"  I don't think there will be any hitting going on, but I think Taylor has learned to be less selfish because of his stay.  The other kids are younger, so they probably won't remember how difficult it was living with him.

In a way, I feel like I failed him.  I feel like that if I were a better person I would have been able to teach him empathy.  Teach him to understand that his thoughts and feelings aren't the only one's that count.  But then there is that part of me that says, "It's his choice to learn it!  There is nothing more you can do than to tell him and show him."  And I know that's right, and true.  But do I feel any better?  Sometimes.

And we have this move.  I had hoped to move in July, but it looks like it's going to be August at the soonest.  Maybe later.  I don't want to homeschool anymore.  Taylor has made it too difficult.  She is lazy about school work and would rather clean the house than read a text book.  I was the same way as a teenager, so I comprehend.  But I was in public school, and didn't have a choice.  Keeping her from getting an education is only going to hinder her, and I'm not going to let that happen.  But put her back into Palmer High School?  Where she will have to walk through pot smoke to get to classes?  And deal with teachers who don't care?  Or teachers who judge a student by their athleticism or personality?  I don't want that either!

If your gay, it's ok.  If your Emo, that's fine too.  But if you are shy and quiet, then there is something wrong with you and you fail math.  IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!

Ben has a blog, I think it's private because I had to log onto it.  But in the blog he talks about how he's tired of "the BS" he had to go through to go on a mission.  The BS he refers to is meeting with the Bishop and the Bishop trying to get him to understand somethings.  But he refuses to humble himself and listen to the spirit or the Bishop.  I told him to read his Patriarchal Blessing, and he refuses to do that too.  But I know why, he knows that he will have to humble himself if he does.

So why do we fight so hard against the Truth!  I think I did the same thing as a teen.  I knew the church to be true, I always have, yet I still chose to make mistakes.  I should have been like Nephi, but I was more like Laman and Lemuel.

I know what Ben is doing is wrong, the choices he is making is wrong.  Yet, he won't listen to me.  If I told him, no matter how I said it, he'd take it as criticism.  He'd feel like I was attacking him, or saying he's a bad person.  I know that many kids feel that way, and low self esteem is an issue of Ben's, which makes every comment, no matter how it's said, a personal attack.  Which is why I think he won't listen to the Bishop.  The Bishop didn't praise him for being the best person in the world, so that means the Bishop was being mean to him.  Yes, this is all overly simplified, but still.

With all that is going on in this world, this is what I'm struggling with.  Now that's it's all written down it feels so petty and inconsequential.  I could have spent this time helping someone, but instead I'm sitting here typing.  Remembering to keep your eye on the Prize is difficult.  Especially, if it is an eternal one[prize].